DAY 1 OF MY MASTER CLEANSE

I woke up this morning ready to go! Got up and exercised with a new Firm dvd and step, and then some time on my semi recumbant bike.

Made a batch of lemonade. Going to the office to see clients. Then phone calls. More later.....

Later:

I've recently had some dreams about older women divorcing and not looking forward to being single. They looked old, unattractive and unhappy, and weren't looking forward to life. I know that there is a part of me that is in such deep grief and discouragment about everything that's been going on for the past few years, and that I've been pushing it down. L wrote me about how hard it is for her to stay raw and how she is pushing down the grief with SAD. I totally understand. I think that's one of my unconscious motivations for doing the MC.

I've been asking for my anger and disappointment to be released. I want to let go of my hurt. I don't want to eat about this stuff any more. And I want to honor my feelings more completely. I usually keep on keepin' on and that's a good thing, but not if the undercurrent of suffering continues unconsicously. I am looking at my unconscious beliefs

There are brief moments when I wouldn't mind if it all ended now, life that is. I have had a few of those thoughts recently, very unlike me. I don't really want to die, but I would like all this to stop, now. and if I did die, I'd be free, and peaceful and detached from it all. And everyone would go on without me. That's how badly I want deep peace, lasting peace. I don't want to die, but I do want to stop suffering.

I'm going to find ways to honor the hurt and the anger without 'feeding' them. When I went thru the divorce with B I wrote and wrote and screamed and punched and hit things and then it was gone. This is a different path I'm on and I can get to joy and peace very often....and the hurt. the vulnerability is underneath it. I want the clarity the MC gave me before. I'm intending a true cleansing, of my emotions, all the ones I'm ready to release, as well as my body. I'm intending claiming my true lightness.

When I think about being in therapy with W (not that she's responded to me) I see myself calm, grounded, and loving. As I inquire and investigate about the situation with her, I accept that it is what it is, and was what it was, and that's that. And I love her. And I can't control how she feels about me, or treats me, or the kind of relationship she wants or doesn't want with me. And I can scare myself with how detached I can get from her too. So much going on there. And the deep hurt comes and goes.

I am really understandingng on a deeper level how important it is to deal with the human suffering, the pain. And not just spiritualize it away. The spiritual aspect offers perspective and understanding and the possibility of peace.... AND people are suffering, I am suffering, so is J, and so is W. I can keep stepping out of the suffering with spiritual awareness, but I see that the willingness to release the suffering is key. And the only way out is through. And the only way for that to happen is to keep reclaiming the power I've given to my ego, thinking that would keep me safe and happy. The energy medicine techniques work and so do other spiritual practices......and there are layers and layers that I am healing. So I have to keep on releasing and releasing, clearing and clearing. Over and over. That's the work of NOW.

I feel how deep this healing is. It is dealing with, excavating and healing lifetimes of pain and suffering and distorted thinking. It is inviting compassion, kindness, understanding, unity for myself and for others. It is about stepping into a different paradigm of human experience. I know this is true. And like many others, I sometimes feel like this might KILL me.

So this MC is part of a greater desire I have to clear old energies right down to a cellular level. It is a step I am taking. That's what I am intending. That's what is already happening.