WHERE TO GO FROM HERE?

I'm on kind of uncertain ground with food and the MC. What I am certain of is that I will not start 'shoulding' on myself again. I am a person who has gone to many extremes, including disordered eating a few decades ago, with food. Right now I am feeding myself 'self love'. And lots of it.

I am loving my body the way it is and for so many many reasons. First, because it is ME. And then because it has taken such great care of me for all of my life. I have no complaints at all where my body is concerned. I am healthy, strong, energetic, heal quickly, am attractive and vibrant. So if I am carrying around 90 pounds that I don't want to carry around, then I know what to do about it. Really.

It's just seems that simple. And if for now, I don't feel like doing what needs to be done to release those extra pounds of fat, then that is what is. I am a big believer in embracing what is. I try to do that in other areas of my life, but where my body has been concerned, I'm got all kinds of rules and regs and perfectionistic thinking and judging, etc etc etc

I had a conversation with my son the other day and he was expressing sadness and hurt at the thought that I might judge that what he is accomplishing in his life these days, wouldn't be enough. I reassured him that that was not the case, that I am very proud of him and what he has accomplished, that it and he are more than enough, and he heard me.

The thing is, I know just how he feels, because where it concerns my body/weight/size, I do that to myself all the time. Not enough. That's the message. And at some point, I rebelled against that and said, 'no more'. What is, is, and what is, is okay with me. I love and accept myself and what I do and how I look and who I am.

Now, if I somehow relax enough to choose to do what needs to be done to release the extra weight, then fine. But no strong arm tactics any more.

So here is what I AM doing:

• I'm giving myself loving messages about my body.
• I'm being grateful about various aspects of my physical self
• I am taking good care of myself physically with body brushing, daily exercise (which I love and is NOT a should), drinking water, getting enough sleep, relaxing at various times during the day, eating moderately and honestly
• I am staying off the scale
• I am using energy clearing techniques that work for me to eliminate thoughts, feelings and emotions that make me feel bad---about anything
• I am reminding myself that there is no magic food or diet, or evil food or diet
• I am reminding myself that I created this body I am living in, with the extra weight, because that's what I unconsciously told my body I wanted
• I am reminding myself that if I created this body, I can create a different one by changing what I decide I need and want--my unconscious will again say 'your wish is my command'
• I am asking myself how this larger body still serves me and why I still want it (if I still have it, then that tell me I still want it)
• I am enjoying being alive in THIS body
• I am imagining the new, beautiful clothes I will be buying for myself, NOW
• I am experiencing more and more peace and joy
• etc. etc. etc

Notice that only a couple of tiny pieces of this are about food. The rest is all about recognizing my power to manifest, and the fact that I am not a victim, and am unconditionally loveable. And that Spirit is helping me every step of the way, knows what I really want, and always gives it to me. And I am asking for that help every day.

As I do these things, I notice that my appetite diminishes. I am easily satisfied. It only takes a little bit of what I want for me to feel that my need has been met. And in the meantime, it feels so good to be loved by me!

LOVING MYSELF

This arrived in my mail box today....and it spoke to me. The wonderful thing is that it arrived at the exact right moment for me. It arrived right after I had the insight that my difficult day yesterday offered me a gift of awareness. I realized this morning that my experience yesterday, of course had to do with the feelings I was feeling, but it also had as much to do with what I was telling myself, what I was saying out loud, and what I was believing about what I was feeling. It's clear to me that my ego's role, the power of my unconscious beliefs, have a huge effect on me.

Now admittedly I was experiencing a lot of grief, sadness, discouragement, disappointment, etc etc. But when I paid attention to the things I said about what I was feeling, I realized how my thoughts, judgements and beliefs about what I was feeling intensified the experience, and had me feeling like a victim of my own feelings!

This, for me, is a huge and important realization. I can feel whatever I feel, and I can say things that are supportive, conscious, and helpful as I feel them. I can choose not to make myself feel worse by saying things that come out of an old and obsolete belief system.

I also saw so clearly that eating does not help. And actually, I ate after I had expressed what I was feeling and had already released a lot energetically. lol Again, what I tell myself about the need to eat is key here. I 'm digging deep for unconscious beliefs and thoughts and where I find them is right smack in my behavior. :)

So I am grateful that I'm feeling better today. I'm grateful for this awareness. And today is a new day.

Weight today: 219.5. Lemonade is all made. Got an appointment this morning. I'll walk later. Then client sessions and writing are on my agenda. I get to do a lot of creative things today!

Oh, I almost forgot, here's the quote:

"...Do not give yourself more attention than you need, but take care of yourself and do not continually slay the God within you. Give opportunities in your daily life for the Christ within to manifest itself. This is what we mean by loving yourself, and this is what Jesus meant when he said ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. ‘ Love peace of mind, love doing the right thing, love living according to divine law."~White Eagle

Later: I feel terrific today! Lemonades are tasting good. Did an hour of exercise. Working with clients, hired my graphic designer to design a business card for me after he did such a great job on my logo. Putting the word out about a book printer and have some inspired ideas to follow up on. Had a few small bites of food. No biggie.

I am choosing peace of mind, I am doing the right thing, and I am asking for divine guidance.

And then a friend of mine and my husband's asked if we'd like to join them in Sedona in April. I had just put out to the Universe that Sedona was one of the next places I want to visit. Love it!!

THE RAW TRUTH

Okay, so here's the deal today. I DON'T FEEL LIKE doing the MC. I DON"T FEEL LIKE eating raw. I DON'T FEEL LIKE pushing or pulling myself at all. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, and I have a headache.

What I feel like doing is curling up, staying warm (it's cool and rainy here today--perfect for how I'm feeling) watching a movie, forgetting all about life and problems and kids and fat and nutrition and and and and and and.....got the picture?

I invited my feelings up so I could heal them. Well, here they are. So I'm going easy with myself today and we'll see what's next.

So far I've had four lemonades, and a handfull of soaked almonds. Okay.

I just want to be left alone. I don't want any 'shoulds' or 'have to's'. I worked out this morning and that felt great. I did a few phone sessions with clients and that felt good. I spoke on the phone with Robert, my internet mentor, and that was good too. I'm trying to find a mic that will give me clean, clear, 'no hums or buzzes in the background' recordings, to record a bunch of stuff for my online course, etc. No luck so far. I'll keep searching and trying. My new laptop should arrive later this week, and I'll see if I get a better result with these mics I have using the new 'puter.

In the meantime, I need to rest. And love myself through this day. I need to do this process from the inside out, not the other way around. I always end up rebelling with rules and shoulds imposed from without, even from myself. lol The MC is feeling like a should right this minute.
I'm not giving up, I'm observing, that's all. And I will honor myself no matter what. This is a process. Breathing deeply now......

...and yeah, I'm pretty sure this all is detox, emotional and physical. Okay. Perspective.

Later: I laid low, ate some food, rested, felt and released a lot of emotion: sadness, frustration, discouragement......and tomorrow is another day. I just keep showing up.

I

DAY 1 OF MY MASTER CLEANSE

I woke up this morning ready to go! Got up and exercised with a new Firm dvd and step, and then some time on my semi recumbant bike.

Made a batch of lemonade. Going to the office to see clients. Then phone calls. More later.....

Later:

I've recently had some dreams about older women divorcing and not looking forward to being single. They looked old, unattractive and unhappy, and weren't looking forward to life. I know that there is a part of me that is in such deep grief and discouragment about everything that's been going on for the past few years, and that I've been pushing it down. L wrote me about how hard it is for her to stay raw and how she is pushing down the grief with SAD. I totally understand. I think that's one of my unconscious motivations for doing the MC.

I've been asking for my anger and disappointment to be released. I want to let go of my hurt. I don't want to eat about this stuff any more. And I want to honor my feelings more completely. I usually keep on keepin' on and that's a good thing, but not if the undercurrent of suffering continues unconsicously. I am looking at my unconscious beliefs

There are brief moments when I wouldn't mind if it all ended now, life that is. I have had a few of those thoughts recently, very unlike me. I don't really want to die, but I would like all this to stop, now. and if I did die, I'd be free, and peaceful and detached from it all. And everyone would go on without me. That's how badly I want deep peace, lasting peace. I don't want to die, but I do want to stop suffering.

I'm going to find ways to honor the hurt and the anger without 'feeding' them. When I went thru the divorce with B I wrote and wrote and screamed and punched and hit things and then it was gone. This is a different path I'm on and I can get to joy and peace very often....and the hurt. the vulnerability is underneath it. I want the clarity the MC gave me before. I'm intending a true cleansing, of my emotions, all the ones I'm ready to release, as well as my body. I'm intending claiming my true lightness.

When I think about being in therapy with W (not that she's responded to me) I see myself calm, grounded, and loving. As I inquire and investigate about the situation with her, I accept that it is what it is, and was what it was, and that's that. And I love her. And I can't control how she feels about me, or treats me, or the kind of relationship she wants or doesn't want with me. And I can scare myself with how detached I can get from her too. So much going on there. And the deep hurt comes and goes.

I am really understandingng on a deeper level how important it is to deal with the human suffering, the pain. And not just spiritualize it away. The spiritual aspect offers perspective and understanding and the possibility of peace.... AND people are suffering, I am suffering, so is J, and so is W. I can keep stepping out of the suffering with spiritual awareness, but I see that the willingness to release the suffering is key. And the only way out is through. And the only way for that to happen is to keep reclaiming the power I've given to my ego, thinking that would keep me safe and happy. The energy medicine techniques work and so do other spiritual practices......and there are layers and layers that I am healing. So I have to keep on releasing and releasing, clearing and clearing. Over and over. That's the work of NOW.

I feel how deep this healing is. It is dealing with, excavating and healing lifetimes of pain and suffering and distorted thinking. It is inviting compassion, kindness, understanding, unity for myself and for others. It is about stepping into a different paradigm of human experience. I know this is true. And like many others, I sometimes feel like this might KILL me.

So this MC is part of a greater desire I have to clear old energies right down to a cellular level. It is a step I am taking. That's what I am intending. That's what is already happening.

MASTER CLEANSE STARTS TOMORROW

I'm starting the Master Cleanser, aka lemonade diet, tomorrow. I'm observing that releasing wheat is something I'm not willing to do yet, and I'm remembering how fabulous I felt on the MC two years ago. It was before Christmas and I was cooking and baking for my family and not tempted a bit and enjoying doing those things for them.

I'm very happy to have been inspired by the folks at rawfoodtalk.com to begin another MC.
So lemons, maple syrup and a pinch of cayenne.

I'm psyched remembering how easy it was, how happy, peaceful, energetic and fabulous I felt when I did it before. And the 20 lbs I released was a bonus
.
I found it very easy last time. I'm intending a similar, if not better, experience this time.
I'll post daily about how it goes.

wishing you the best,
Jan

MEXICAN VEGGIE PLATE

MEXICAN VEGGIE PLATE

Chop:

1 small zucchini
1/2 portobello mushroom
6-8 asparagus spears
piece of white onion
plum tomato
kernels from 2 ears of corn

Then combine in FP:

1/2 c sundried tomatoes, drained
2-4 T EVOO
1 T honey
1 clove garlic
1/2 c walnuts
1 T chili powder
1 t cumin
1 t ground coriander
1/3 c fresh coriander

Pour sauce over veggies and mix well. Let this marinate while you make some fresh pico de gallo
(tomatos, white onion, lime juice, jalapeno pepper, fresh coriander, salt--chopped in FP) and guacamole.

Serve the veggies topped with pico, raw rich cheddar sauce and guacamole.......delish, I mean really really delish.
Next time I'll have some raw corn tortillas, or corn chips to serve with it.

DREAM BIG! GET SMALL!

I am very committed to caring for myself much better and more lovingly. My spirit has been leading me to raw for a couple of years now. I have a long history of issues with food. I like to create recipes and have come up with some wonderful raw ones. For the past few years though, I keep reverting to a SAD diet.

One of the things that has been a problem in the past is not eating enough when eating raw. I have released my old habits of snacking on nuts and dates throughout the day and am now paying close attention to eating when I am hungry, and eating enough. When I'm looking around for something to eat and don't know what I want, I'll make a smoothie with cocoa, green or not.

I will also carry with me apples and almonds. And I'm willing to stop at a supermarket to get some fruit etc when I'm out and hungry.

I am committed to changing my thinking from being about being deprived to sheer abundance, vitality, fitness, well being and radiance. Radiance is what I really really want. And for me the foods I eat are key.

I already walk and/or bike every day for at least an hour. Some days I've walked 16,000+ steps. So I know that in that dept I'm doing fine. I want to add some weight training back into my plan and I am. I used to weight train hard and regularly and was thrown off track by some challenging life circumstances. I like the feeling of strength and power I experience with weight training and I know it's another way to take care of myself well and lovingly.

I am a big person--spiritually speaking, and I love that about me--that my spirit is so big energetically, and magnificent. I am in the midst of creating some big dreams with respect to my career: writing books, courses, spiritual life coaching and teaching I've had for a long time. And I also realize that I don't have to be physically big to be a big person in a big life! I can --and in a parallel reality already am--a big person in a big life in a smaller, firmer, fitter, more radiant body.

So NOW would be a good time to start living that reality and collapsing the old one of needing to be in a big body for whatever all the old reasons were. I realize that my unconscious has only and always created what I said I wanted--unconsiously--so I am changing that. I'll be sharing how I'm doing that as I go along.

This blog will be not only about my raw food lifestyle, but also, necessarily about my spiritual path. It's all intertwined for me.

So for starters, today I weigh 220.5 lbs. My goal weight is 130 lbs.
I have overweight for about 20 years. Before that my weight was in the normal range---125 to 140. I was anorexic when I went thru my divorce 25 yrs ago and my weight dropped to 104. My health is great, BP perfect, cholesterol, triglycerides fine, blood sugar is getting to borderline range. So, the numbers are not driving me, the true deep desire for integrity, lightness and radiance is. The desire for my outside to match my inside is.

So NOW is only and always the best time to start and blogging will help me, since I am at heart a writer and teacher.

Food planned for today:
1.Smoothie with banana, apple. blueberries, soaked almonds, maca and cacao.
2.Tacos with almond/walnut 'meat' and guac and pico and lettuce on *Ezekiel wrap or lettuce wrap
3.Marinated veggie plate with mushrooms, jicama, zucchini, onion, tomato, etc
4.Large salad with EVOO, ACV and a drizzle of honey
5.Smoothie like #1 (if hungry)
6. 1 T Chocolate ganache from RFRW
7. raw veggies and fruit as I want
* For now I'll be using Ezekiel tortilla, light rye Wasa occasionally, and maybe even fish, like mahi-mahi from time to time.

**The main site I go to for raw inspiration and great people is http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/
***The main books I refer to are Living on Live Food, Raw Food Real World, The Raw Transformation, and Rainbow Green-Live Food Cuisine. And I'm always making up my own raw recipes which I'll post here.